Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”