I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
This will never not be funny 😭
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.