Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.