Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life