technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
step 6: release the wall snake
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?