It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.