friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
You Might Also Like
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.