Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Meow
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.