DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”