A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Him: What鈥檚 in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
girls don鈥檛 even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it鈥檚 temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 馃槈
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we鈥檙e not like them
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
List of food it鈥檚 okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: there鈥檚 a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Not now. I鈥檓 deglazing.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then