Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
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Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Every damn time
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me