In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
is this a threat
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet