What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁