[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
This kid is a star!
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
He’s cranky this morning
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Bond. Trauma bond.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not