My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.