My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.