Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed