Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad