Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?