I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Lol
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.