Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Rt to bother an English speaker

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

The three genders

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”