Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
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I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
(by @ZachWeiner )
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.