When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
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My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.