kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.