Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”