When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
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I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
awkward
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Did my cat write this