Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
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[montage of me giving-up]
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
At least he brought enough for everyone
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.