The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another