You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
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Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
what?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Dolls on drugs
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
A woman drives into a bar.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely