Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
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Mood.. 😂
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever