An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.