Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.