I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.