@TheCiscoKidder

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

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@stats_canada

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@seamusmckracken

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

@blade_funner

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

@KeetPotato

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

@briancthayer

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning