Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
he chose this
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.