dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Happy thanksgiving
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating