Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.