Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
going to the ER y’all need anything
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast