Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO