Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.