I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.