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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.