Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus