Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.