Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.