If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.