Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.