I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.