A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
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I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.