I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat