Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Banking tips
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*