Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too