So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.